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* Sunday, 01/20/2019
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** 23:44 Distracted
Had a really nice chill day today with a lot of reading. The snow storm slowed
things down and I managed to find time to both read more of The Art of
Selfishness and to get a good start on Lincoln in the Bardo. The latter I had
started a few months ago and couldn't get into, but I think I actually
understand what's going on now and am really enjoying it.

Emma seemed like she was in a funny place this morning. She heard back from Jess
Rollerson about her father's death last night that it was really, really hard on
her. I'm not totally sure how to feel. I have trouble with sympathy, though
empathy is usually a strong suit. In this case, I feel like Jess often buries
things and glosses over them in the name of being unselfish, but her emotions
then kinda fall out at really shitty times. I suppose that's neither here nor
there, really.

It sounded like her father was having a really horrible battle with cancer, but
he was also being funny about refusing pain meds and trying to be tough. I don't
know how much that played into his final days, but it does sound like he was
terrible pain and I really can't imagine it.  I think Emma took the news more
sympathetically than I did, and my lack of a response made her feel distant this
morning.

As the day wore on things got better, but all in all it was kind of a strange
day. It doesn't help (or does it), that I've been reading the Art of
Selfishness. The books makes a pretty compelling arugment for taking care of
yourself and avoiding destroying your own health, whether physical or mental,
for other people. I feel like more than anything that's the sort trap Jess falls
into, and it means that I often either don't 100% trust her read of a situation,
or just feel bad for her.  It doesn't make it easy to sympathize because so
often she's put herself in a compromised position to try to make someone feel
better about themselves or to heal.

To top it all off, apparently Jason is still living at Wildwood but has left for
Oklahoma with Gabe, leaving Eli to take care of their cats (?). Eli apparently
got tired of the responsibility and just left, and Jess was talking about going
down to the house in a bilzzard to take care of them. They aren't her
responsibility and no amount of stepping up is going to help anyone be more
adult here. Jason shouldn't be leaving his cats to be cared for by his son,
forcing his son to live alone in his house while he's gone with his younger son.
The whole situation is horrible and trying to help is a form of enabling. But
that's really hard for Jess to see.